I sometimes pride myself in my optimism. That is who I am naturally. I also notice how many times I avoid talking about the 'bad days'. I don't have too many bad days now, but I have had plenty through my journey with CF. So to keep things 'REAL' I will post about 'bad days'.
Honestly I only remember a few of them, because the good days out weigh the bad by so much. See, even now I find it very difficult to even write about a bad day. But if I read my personal journal from 2007, I read about how hard every day was for me. I even have things I can't bring myself to think about because they are still so painful. Some of the hardest days were actually what could have been my last. . .Too many times we quickly forget the bad . . .or minimize it. I did it for so long, mostly to protect my loved ones from worrying. I tried to hide the fact that I coughed up blood, that I had raging headaches, that I was dying. I couldn't hide it forever. I had to break down my wall of protection. . my barrier of denial. It was sorta liberating though. I still put on a smile even though I knew the only thing keeping me alive was an oxygen tank. I appeared tough to everyone else, but inside I was scared, I was anxious and I felt a panic that is indescribable. It is like trying to stop a runaway train. . .I had a lot of bad days at that time.
It didn't end with my transplant. . . things get worse before they got better. My true strength was tested. I had days so bad that I wished I had died. I am being honest. I wrote a list of the few belongings I had left and had decided who was to inherit them. I don't want to scare anyone who is looking into a transplant because living with CF prepared me to be strong enough to get through it. I learned a lot about myself in the weeks and weeks I spent in the ICU. . .But I believe that it is important to remember the bad times so we can appreciate the good. So as hard as it is for me to write about the bad days, that doesn't mean they didn't exist. They still happen even today and I will be stronger because of them. I still have 'bad days' ahead of me and so I HOPE I get the opportunity to prepare me for them. It is always easy to be strong when life is 'easy' but it is when we are challenged that our true strength is tested.
4 comments:
I know Ashley's felt that way about her transplant too. Sometimes she goes to a very dark place and still feels that way. Her bad days, now, are emotional instead of physical. But yeah, CF taught her, like you, to be strong. That you both go on everyday in spite of your bad days is a testament not only to strength, but grace.
I totally agree we have to be strong for those around us... Its hard to remember bad days or the pain but we all have them.
Yes I can identify also, the start of my blogging was the first time I shared the angst with anyone.
I'll go back to DMB...from the song Pig
There are bad times
But that's ok
Just look for love in it
Don't burn the day away....
Can I just say that I can remember that fear I felt when you would have those bad days....when I would scratch your back only to feel your breathing fluttering like a broken machine....and I would just cry quietly behind you realizing that my best friend was suffering and could possibly not even be here the same time next year. Those where bad days for me too. Not as bad as it was for you I am sure of that but I can tell I think I needed that like you said to realize when it was good too. Alot has changed sense those days and I can tell because of those bad days I am thankful for everyone I get with you!!
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