So many nights I lay awake and I have thoughts bombarding my head that sleep is far from being prioritized. In fact if it wasn't for my sleep aids I may never waste another second in deep slumber, but only in deep thought. I think about things simple like 'what do I have to do tomorrow'...to deep compelling thoughts like 'what will be the expiration date of my donor lungs, how terrified will I be enduring rejection, watching Bryan face the reality of the possibility of losing me again, the suffering'...i fear losing the wonderful life I've been loving the last 7+ years. It's overwhelming and it's inevitable to have these thoughts. It's the hard truth of the decision I made 7+ years ago when I got my double lung transplant. I feel like my life has been a dream/a fairy tale in fact and I fear the day it comes to an end. I just never in my life imagined I would ever have a life like I have and it's a beautiful gift...one of the most treasured gifts I've ever received.
I listen to myself breathe in the quiet darkness at night and the sound of the air moving through my donor's lungs is a lullaby reminding me that she lives through me and that I live becaue of her. A soft and steady sound that bonds us together through life and death, I have a rare opportunity to share a part of someone who I will never meet on earth...it's a strange relationship that although it may seem one sided, I feel her and I know she watches over me...I mean us. Organs are just a physical body part that serves a purpose...but it's so extremely more complicated than that. There aren't words to describe how deep these thoughts run through my soul to allow anyone to understand...it's personal to me and me alone.
I have recently lost a very close CF Cyster...it was painful to know she was no longer on earth and would be so missed...my heart broke for her faithful and wonderful husband who was by her side till the end. My heart broke...but not just for him, but for the thoughts I could not push out of my mind of my husband facing the same loss, heartbreak, and loneliness. I love him so much the thought of his pains hurts so deep I cannot bring myself to believe it real. But it became very real when I said goodbye to my beautiful friend. Her husband has found comfort, love and happiness with another woman and I'm happy for him, but again my thoughts are wandering to my one true love...will he find new love, if not how long will he be alone and will he ever be the same person. I do find joy in the thought that if he does find new love perhaps she can make him the father I always wish I could have but I was never able to.
There's a lot of guilt of feeling like I cheated him from having a family like his siblings all have experienced. It has alienated us some from family & friends. We are misunderstood and unintentionally left out due to being "childless" when others our age have kids as young as infants to highschoolers. We are not selfishly choosing to not have kids...but we can't because I am broken in many ways. But Bryans loves me broken and pieced back together again with spare parts, scars inside and out and the knowledge that our fairy tale life is no real fairy tail....it's been hard and it continues to be hard. We just have to be happy that we have pages still left to write our story in.
My thoughts often wonder to my childhood dreams and aspirations of becoming an actress...I remember feeling like I could do anything even become an award winning, inspirational famous actress. Such BIG dreams for a tiny young girl. I was confident nothing could stop me from doing anything I put my mind to...I'm glad I have that younger version of me still hiding inside me and pushes me to pursue other dreams and take on things I try to convince myself are impossible.
I wish I did more for others...every day I could do more. I'm selfish & I'm not afraid to admit it. I pray that someday I can live up to become the person I hope to become.
I am a good person...I try hard to be that. I love God and strive to live my life pleasing unto him...I believe I chose my life and my trials knowing the person they would help me become...that is how I can look at all my trials, tribulations, pain, suffering and Be grateful. I don't wish it away because then I would have missed out on the beautiful, happy, touching, spiritual, amazing experiences and people I have had throughout my life story.
This is just a glimpse into my thoughts...there's so much more...so very much more!