I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears, behold I will heal thee.
2Kings 20:5

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Pondering Life...

I often ponder why my life is the way it is...I am happy and I'm torn sometimes. I don't regret any decisions I have made. I do however sometimes ponder on the "what if's" and I find peace in knowing that I am supposed to be here, right now...doing whatever it is I have chosen to do. No one has ever told me what to do, who to be or what I can/can't accomplish. Okay well maybe a few doctors have tried convincing me of a few limitations, but again I believe that I have always had control over how I chose to live my life. 
I do think I need to work on being a better version of myself...there's always room for improvement. 
I wonder sometimes if I have made a difference in the world...
I ponder how much I would actually be missed if I wasn't here. Not in a depressing way, just in the sense that I question whether I have done enough....
I worry that I have abandoned passions, dreams and my own personal life goals.
I love that I have allowed life to take me to many new places, yet I felt like I lost my focus at some point.
I know what brings me true undeniable happiness...and despite that, I find myself sad and lonely more often than I used to. I blame it on my meds and the traumatic reality that I had to face going through my transplant....It's just impossible to describe.  
I often ask myself "Can I be more than what I am?"
I wish I had more resources to do more for others... 

I feel disappointed in myself sometimes...I think I've accomplished many of my life goals...but there's some I'll never complete. 
I wish my whimsical childhood version of myself could co-exist within me. 
I miss the amount of patience I use to have. 
I feel trapped in life sometimes...financially and also by my fear of failure...if that makes sense.

I feel like I have an obligation to do something great and meaningful with my life especially after my transplant... I can't explain why I feel this burden, and I wonder how many other people who experience being so close to dying and then are given so much life back feel the same way...

I had BIG dreams and nothing could stop me...only to discover the only thing that can stop me is myself. 

Despite all the thoughts and self doubt, I really do love my life...because I am loved by my husband and he is my reason to exist. I realized many, many years ago that my absolute happiness comes from sharing my life with him. So no matter how un-spectacular my life may be...it's still amazing because I know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally by someone who is a better person than I could have ever hoped for. 

Living with Donor Lungs is a life of uncertainty and although everyone's life is uncertain...I know that I will have to re-live the pain that I worked so hard to escape from, it's the hard truth and trade off. One disease for another, but a good trade. The fear can consume me if I allow it to. I feel like I was so fearless growing up...I didn't put boundaries on myself and I pray everyday that I never lose that. I know I survived the hardest challenge I ever had placed in front of me and If I can do that than I can do anything. 

I wake up everyday believing that I am alive because God has a purpose for me and although I admit my thoughts wander about whether I am enough...I know God must think I am because he continues to bless me. 

I write this post because as hard as it is to admit to myself and allow myself to express these thoughts...they are real feelings I have to accept and remind myself that it's okay to not always hide them just so I can "be tough for everyone else". I believe I am my worst critic but I can also be my own best advocate because I know ME better than anyone else ever will. I can't lie to myself, so I know the deepest most passionate and intimate details of what makes me who I am. I can only accept myself and then work on improving my weaknesses and build on my strengths, because we all have room for growth. 

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Such an interesting post! You gave me a lot to think about. Life is complicated right? Sad and beautiful. Know that many around you are struggling, too. It's hard to truly make sense of so much of what is going on around us. Peace to you.

Sarah and John Adopt said...

I am a kidney transplant recipient (twice actually), but I understand what you are saying.

I often feel like I should be doing something more with my life. Like I was given these organs, because I was meant to be someone, do something that changes other people's lives. I struggle with sitting at my desk, doing paperwork for no great purpose.

I feel like I missed out on many dreams, because I had to keep health insurance and pay medical bills. Never having the freedom to do the things I always thought I would be doing by now.

That being said, my life is good. My husband and I are waiting to adopt a baby through open adoption and I don't think we would be able to had I followed my initial dreams (mostly globe trekking and writing).

There is still time for both of us to make something spectacular out of ourselves. You already have really, some random chick in Georgia (me) has been reading your blog for at least a couple of years now. You raise so much awareness for CF with just your words. That's pretty awesome!

Sarah

Jamie said...

Your comment Sarah, brought tears of happiness for you & you're right...you (a random chick) is reading this ;)

Where to start to learn about my transplant!

Thank You for taking the time to read my blog. I am hoping that through this blog and my experiences that I can bring hope, faith and strength to all that may be living with Cystic Fibrosis, CF with Cepacia and Lung Transplant recipients. Information and blog entrees start Nov. 07. My Double Lung Transplant was on Dec. 10th 2007. Please feel free to read about my experience and ask me any questions! My email address is jamiebug77@gmail.com

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My Testimony

It's hard to put into words how I feel toward my Heavenly Father and the Savior. I have so many reasons to be thankful for what I have gone through & endured. Because of my trials in life I have gained a strong testimony of Faith. I have always had Faith in the Lord and in Prayer. As I faced the decision to get a double lung transplant I had to rely on faith to make the choice.....By listening to the spirit, I was guided to Pittsburgh where my life was saved. I believe prayers are answered. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of this: If I do what the Lord expects of me, he will give me what I want & need. That has always worked for me. I Believe in MIRACLES..........My life on this earth is a miracle- I prayed on my knees for years to be healed from my lung disease. I knew that through a priesthood blessing (if it was God's will) I could be healed. So many times I thought he would heal me instantly...my faith was tested as I continued to get sick and no cure was in my future. I turned to prayer....I talked to my Heavenly Father, I cried to him and he heard me and he healed me by guiding me to Pittsburgh and guiding the surgeons hands. I learned humility, and thankfulness. I realized that we need others to lean on and we are supposed to strengthen each others testimonies. I learned that the hardest things we'll do are usually the greatest blessings in our life. I was able to experience a lot of things during surgery and I know I had comforting angels in my ICU room. THe Lord knows each of us by name and he will never leave our side. We need to remember to stay close to him and have Faith that he is watching over us. I know this for a fact! I know that following the gospel will bring us true happiness- the world will tell us otherwise, but I know I am truely happy & living the gospel has brought me that. Amen