I do think I need to work on being a better version of myself...there's always room for improvement.
I wonder sometimes if I have made a difference in the world...
I ponder how much I would actually be missed if I wasn't here. Not in a depressing way, just in the sense that I question whether I have done enough....
I worry that I have abandoned passions, dreams and my own personal life goals.
I love that I have allowed life to take me to many new places, yet I felt like I lost my focus at some point.
I know what brings me true undeniable happiness...and despite that, I find myself sad and lonely more often than I used to. I blame it on my meds and the traumatic reality that I had to face going through my transplant....It's just impossible to describe.
I often ask myself "Can I be more than what I am?"
I wish I had more resources to do more for others...
I feel disappointed in myself sometimes...I think I've accomplished many of my life goals...but there's some I'll never complete.
I wish my whimsical childhood version of myself could co-exist within me.
I miss the amount of patience I use to have.
I feel trapped in life sometimes...financially and also by my fear of failure...if that makes sense.
I feel like I have an obligation to do something great and meaningful with my life especially after my transplant... I can't explain why I feel this burden, and I wonder how many other people who experience being so close to dying and then are given so much life back feel the same way...
I had BIG dreams and nothing could stop me...only to discover the only thing that can stop me is myself.
Despite all the thoughts and self doubt, I really do love my life...because I am loved by my husband and he is my reason to exist. I realized many, many years ago that my absolute happiness comes from sharing my life with him. So no matter how un-spectacular my life may be...it's still amazing because I know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally by someone who is a better person than I could have ever hoped for.
Living with Donor Lungs is a life of uncertainty and although everyone's life is uncertain...I know that I will have to re-live the pain that I worked so hard to escape from, it's the hard truth and trade off. One disease for another, but a good trade. The fear can consume me if I allow it to. I feel like I was so fearless growing up...I didn't put boundaries on myself and I pray everyday that I never lose that. I know I survived the hardest challenge I ever had placed in front of me and If I can do that than I can do anything.
I wake up everyday believing that I am alive because God has a purpose for me and although I admit my thoughts wander about whether I am enough...I know God must think I am because he continues to bless me.
I write this post because as hard as it is to admit to myself and allow myself to express these thoughts...they are real feelings I have to accept and remind myself that it's okay to not always hide them just so I can "be tough for everyone else". I believe I am my worst critic but I can also be my own best advocate because I know ME better than anyone else ever will. I can't lie to myself, so I know the deepest most passionate and intimate details of what makes me who I am. I can only accept myself and then work on improving my weaknesses and build on my strengths, because we all have room for growth.