Fear & Responsibility

It's getting close now. . . May 5th we leave for Pittsburgh for clinic and probably a bronchoscopy. I really have nothing to complain about. It has been almost a year since my last clinic appointment and bronch in Pittsburgh. The bronch resulted in determining no rejection. .. but created an infection that hospitalized me for 3 weeks!! Yikes. Although I have had 6-7 others before that one that went great with no ill effects. It's crazy how I was never scared of bronchs until I was given a reason to be. I'm conflicted actually. It's reassuring to get the bronch results that ease your worries if they come back 'no rejection'. . . that I do like. On the other hand they could also confirm my worse nightmare; REJECTION. I honestly do not suspect rejection, but unfortunately it's always in the back of my mind.

Cystic Fibrosis was quite predictable. I understood the disease, it made sense to me. Not much was ever really a surprise. . .slow and steady decline. Routines that were just that, routines. Post Transplant however can be less stable. . . Life can be wonderful and bliss, then for an unseen and unexpected reason rejection can occur at any time. It can be treated, so it's not the end of the world. It can become irreversible, chronic though. I have to laugh at myself sometimes because I have been on deaths door, I lived through some pretty awful crap. . . I would think it would take a lot to frighten me. I am scared though. The thought of reliving that part of my 'old' life terrifies me so much that if I think about it too long, I want to curl up and cry. Worst part of it is the fear of putting Bryan and my loved ones through it for a second time. . . . it is hard.

I don't focus on the 'what if' or 'when it gets bad' or 'when I reject', but I would be a flat out lair if I said I don't think about it sometimes. . . It creeps into my mind often enough to keep me motivated to take care of my body. It reinforces my responsibility to every one that loves me that I CANNOT forget to take my pills, exercise, and take precautions to not get sick. It is the fear of losing the wonderful life I have now that keeps me humble and keeps me moving forward. It's true that when you have to work for something, when it's the hardest thing you do. . .you appreciate it more than if it would have been easy. I am thankful that going through the transplant process was EXTREMELY hard. . .and that life isn't completely 'easy' even after transplant because I never want to forget that I have something so amazing and I still have to work to keep it.

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