I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears, behold I will heal thee.
2Kings 20:5

Friday, April 30, 2010

Fear & Responsibility

It's getting close now. . . May 5th we leave for Pittsburgh for clinic and probably a bronchoscopy. I really have nothing to complain about. It has been almost a year since my last clinic appointment and bronch in Pittsburgh. The bronch resulted in determining no rejection. .. but created an infection that hospitalized me for 3 weeks!! Yikes. Although I have had 6-7 others before that one that went great with no ill effects. It's crazy how I was never scared of bronchs until I was given a reason to be. I'm conflicted actually. It's reassuring to get the bronch results that ease your worries if they come back 'no rejection'. . . that I do like. On the other hand they could also confirm my worse nightmare; REJECTION. I honestly do not suspect rejection, but unfortunately it's always in the back of my mind.

Cystic Fibrosis was quite predictable. I understood the disease, it made sense to me. Not much was ever really a surprise. . .slow and steady decline. Routines that were just that, routines. Post Transplant however can be less stable. . . Life can be wonderful and bliss, then for an unseen and unexpected reason rejection can occur at any time. It can be treated, so it's not the end of the world. It can become irreversible, chronic though. I have to laugh at myself sometimes because I have been on deaths door, I lived through some pretty awful crap. . . I would think it would take a lot to frighten me. I am scared though. The thought of reliving that part of my 'old' life terrifies me so much that if I think about it too long, I want to curl up and cry. Worst part of it is the fear of putting Bryan and my loved ones through it for a second time. . . . it is hard.

I don't focus on the 'what if' or 'when it gets bad' or 'when I reject', but I would be a flat out lair if I said I don't think about it sometimes. . . It creeps into my mind often enough to keep me motivated to take care of my body. It reinforces my responsibility to every one that loves me that I CANNOT forget to take my pills, exercise, and take precautions to not get sick. It is the fear of losing the wonderful life I have now that keeps me humble and keeps me moving forward. It's true that when you have to work for something, when it's the hardest thing you do. . .you appreciate it more than if it would have been easy. I am thankful that going through the transplant process was EXTREMELY hard. . .and that life isn't completely 'easy' even after transplant because I never want to forget that I have something so amazing and I still have to work to keep it.
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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jamie...thanks for being so open. I take comfort in knowing that when I have "fear thoughts" they aren't coming from God cuz "He hasn't given us a spirit of fear". When I turn my thoughts to Him and know that those fear thought are mine, I find peace and my thoughts start to change:) Love your blog!

Where to start to learn about my transplant!

Thank You for taking the time to read my blog. I am hoping that through this blog and my experiences that I can bring hope, faith and strength to all that may be living with Cystic Fibrosis, CF with Cepacia and Lung Transplant recipients. Information and blog entrees start Nov. 07. My Double Lung Transplant was on Dec. 10th 2007. Please feel free to read about my experience and ask me any questions! My email address is jamiebug77@gmail.com

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My Testimony

It's hard to put into words how I feel toward my Heavenly Father and the Savior. I have so many reasons to be thankful for what I have gone through & endured. Because of my trials in life I have gained a strong testimony of Faith. I have always had Faith in the Lord and in Prayer. As I faced the decision to get a double lung transplant I had to rely on faith to make the choice.....By listening to the spirit, I was guided to Pittsburgh where my life was saved. I believe prayers are answered. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of this: If I do what the Lord expects of me, he will give me what I want & need. That has always worked for me. I Believe in MIRACLES..........My life on this earth is a miracle- I prayed on my knees for years to be healed from my lung disease. I knew that through a priesthood blessing (if it was God's will) I could be healed. So many times I thought he would heal me instantly...my faith was tested as I continued to get sick and no cure was in my future. I turned to prayer....I talked to my Heavenly Father, I cried to him and he heard me and he healed me by guiding me to Pittsburgh and guiding the surgeons hands. I learned humility, and thankfulness. I realized that we need others to lean on and we are supposed to strengthen each others testimonies. I learned that the hardest things we'll do are usually the greatest blessings in our life. I was able to experience a lot of things during surgery and I know I had comforting angels in my ICU room. THe Lord knows each of us by name and he will never leave our side. We need to remember to stay close to him and have Faith that he is watching over us. I know this for a fact! I know that following the gospel will bring us true happiness- the world will tell us otherwise, but I know I am truely happy & living the gospel has brought me that. Amen