Why did I do it?

I have been asked this question in one form or another. Why did I do it? What went through my head as I was faced with it? Have I regretted it? Would I do it again?

Why? That is a very thought provoking question. In fact 'Why?' is possibly the ultimate question of our entire existence. Why do we do a lot of things in our life. In the context of my decision to get my lung transplant 'why' is many things. One way I can describe this is by going through all the 'why's' it took me to decide

'WHY' at first started as 'why should I, when I know I am not a candidate?' For many years I was convinced I would NOT want to transplant. Why would I go through all of that to only get maybe 2 years of post transplant life? Why just drag out the inevitable. . .death? Why put my family through all of that, just to lose me anyways? Those were my first 'WHY'S'.
**It is incredibly powerful to be told 'you can't do something'. Being told I couldn't have a transplant just motivated me to change my thinking to "Why not?" If I wanted to opt out of a transplant I wanted it to be MY decision, I didn't want someone else taking my ability to make that choice for myself away. My 'why' was motivated with anger, and the need to prove the doctor/CF world that I could do it. But the entire time there was a more powerful force behind my 'WHY'. . . . Love. The minute I was told I 'was not' a candidate for the surgery, I may have been angry, but my minds' focus quickly shifted to Bryan, My Dad, My Mother and my little sister. . .I knew I hated the thought of them dealing with my death more than I hated the thought of how hard a transplant would be.

LOVE was my 'why'.  I love Bryan so much and I couldn't bear the thought of leaving him alone, his heart broken and knowing It would be my fault. I knew if I tried everything to stay with him here on earth a little longer, if I put up a good fight that if I was not given a transplant and I died then he would know we tried everything and there would be no doubts or regrets. I couldn't bring myself to accept anything less than fighting with all the strength I had to get a transplant.

It was hard and my health quickly deteriorated in less than 6 months. I was tempted many times to let my spirit slip away and finally find peace among my Heavenly Father. . . . but LOVE drove me forward, gave me strength when I was not able to emotionally and physically handle any more. LOVE is more powerful than we are. LOVE will make us do crazy things and make us do things that quite often are physically impossible~ as I learned. In fact I found strength and comfort in the Josh Groban song 'You are Loved', which continually reminded me that I was loved and I had a lot of people who loved and supported me.

Have I regretted it? Not a minute of it. Every day I get to be with Bryan and my family, I am nothing but grateful for each day I am given. How can I regret a single millisecond of life that honestly is a gift and something I fought so hard for. Every day I feel love, I know I did the right thing. "Would I do it again?" I can only speculate with this comparison, but I feel it is probably much like pregnancy. As much pain, suffering, misery (and wear and tear on a woman's body) having a baby is described after wards as the best thing she ever did. Most mothers forget the pain, and woes of pregnancy when the reward of motherhood is so great. Much like that concept, the pain, misery, suffering and wear & tear on my body came with a reward that is very great.  So . . . . yes, I would do it all again.

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