I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears, behold I will heal thee.
2Kings 20:5

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Staying Busy!

Apparently I took a little break since my last post. I have been busy at the casting office and doing P90X. If you want to see my workout posts visit my other blog Jamiebug Workout.

I posted earlier and when I edited it I lost it :( I am NOT about to retype all that. So I will try to re-post again but for now I have an early morning at the Casting Office so I am going to try to get some sleep ~

Ya! Bo was able to find my old post. . .so I don't have to try to re-type it :)

*NOTE* This post may not be uplifting, but it's not because I'm unhappy or in a bad place. .it's just a few things that I think about sometimes now that I am post transplant.

Basically I ponder about several things. I will start with kind of an obvious one. 'NOW WHAT?' I may have posted before about this a little but it's always in the back of my mind. I have a dark cloud that always lingers in my mind reminding me that this wonderful transplant life is temporary. I know that's not what I dwell on, but it's the truth. There is NO cure for "chronic rejection" and that honestly can be terrifying. To be honest, I would like to start/have a family. . .but it is a very hard to face the hard reality that I would at some point leave those children with the pain of watching me die. I would leave Bryan heartbroken and a single parent. I am not sure I am ready to do that to those I love. I understand the benefits, the joys, but a lot of pain will also accompany all of it. So NOW WHAT? School? Do I want to put 4+ years into school not knowing if I will even be healthy enough to work after that? Those questions are always in my mind every day.

Life after transplant has been really good to me . . .but with transplant comes uncertainties. Life itself is an uncertainty so now add the daily fear of rejection. Another thing that I think about sometimes is "I will have to go through all the pain again?". In 2007 I was very sick, I was dying, I was on oxygen and Bryan had to care for me 24/7. . . . .the reality is chronic rejection will be like that again. It's a tough thing to think about. Before and after my transplant was the hardest most painful thing I endured. . . .can I do that again????

Like I said, this post is a bit of an honest look into a few things I deal with daily. . .yes, just about daily. It doesn't stop me from doing things I love and being a happy person. I DON'T dwell on these thoughts, but unfortunately post transplant creates these kinds of fears. I try very hard to live a normal life and my transplant doesn't completely consume my days I have goal, hopes and dreams that I plan on accomplishing! I do things I love and I try to inspire those around me. The truth of the risks of transplant are just too much to ignore, and I don't think it's fair to pretend they don't get to me sometimes.Photobucket  Save a Life...Be Someone's Hero...    
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2 comments:

Kristie said...

you said that before and after transplant was the most painful thing you ever endured. can you expand on that? i have been on the transplant list for 8 months and my fear isn't really dying but the recovery after surgery. of course i would love to live a normal long healthy life but i have come to the realization that, that's not my fate.

Jamie said...

Kristie,

You bet. I will use that as my topic for my next blog post. Probably tomorrow-ish. I will go into detail my recovery story. :)

Where to start to learn about my transplant!

Thank You for taking the time to read my blog. I am hoping that through this blog and my experiences that I can bring hope, faith and strength to all that may be living with Cystic Fibrosis, CF with Cepacia and Lung Transplant recipients. Information and blog entrees start Nov. 07. My Double Lung Transplant was on Dec. 10th 2007. Please feel free to read about my experience and ask me any questions! My email address is jamiebug77@gmail.com

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My Testimony

It's hard to put into words how I feel toward my Heavenly Father and the Savior. I have so many reasons to be thankful for what I have gone through & endured. Because of my trials in life I have gained a strong testimony of Faith. I have always had Faith in the Lord and in Prayer. As I faced the decision to get a double lung transplant I had to rely on faith to make the choice.....By listening to the spirit, I was guided to Pittsburgh where my life was saved. I believe prayers are answered. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of this: If I do what the Lord expects of me, he will give me what I want & need. That has always worked for me. I Believe in MIRACLES..........My life on this earth is a miracle- I prayed on my knees for years to be healed from my lung disease. I knew that through a priesthood blessing (if it was God's will) I could be healed. So many times I thought he would heal me instantly...my faith was tested as I continued to get sick and no cure was in my future. I turned to prayer....I talked to my Heavenly Father, I cried to him and he heard me and he healed me by guiding me to Pittsburgh and guiding the surgeons hands. I learned humility, and thankfulness. I realized that we need others to lean on and we are supposed to strengthen each others testimonies. I learned that the hardest things we'll do are usually the greatest blessings in our life. I was able to experience a lot of things during surgery and I know I had comforting angels in my ICU room. THe Lord knows each of us by name and he will never leave our side. We need to remember to stay close to him and have Faith that he is watching over us. I know this for a fact! I know that following the gospel will bring us true happiness- the world will tell us otherwise, but I know I am truely happy & living the gospel has brought me that. Amen