I posted earlier and when I edited it I lost it :( I am NOT about to retype all that. So I will try to re-post again but for now I have an early morning at the Casting Office so I am going to try to get some sleep ~
Ya! Bo was able to find my old post. . .so I don't have to try to re-type it :)
*NOTE* This post may not be uplifting, but it's not because I'm unhappy or in a bad place. .it's just a few things that I think about sometimes now that I am post transplant.
Basically I ponder about several things. I will start with kind of an obvious one. 'NOW WHAT?' I may have posted before about this a little but it's always in the back of my mind. I have a dark cloud that always lingers in my mind reminding me that this wonderful transplant life is temporary. I know that's not what I dwell on, but it's the truth. There is NO cure for "chronic rejection" and that honestly can be terrifying. To be honest, I would like to start/have a family. . .but it is a very hard to face the hard reality that I would at some point leave those children with the pain of watching me die. I would leave Bryan heartbroken and a single parent. I am not sure I am ready to do that to those I love. I understand the benefits, the joys, but a lot of pain will also accompany all of it. So NOW WHAT? School? Do I want to put 4+ years into school not knowing if I will even be healthy enough to work after that? Those questions are always in my mind every day.
Life after transplant has been really good to me . . .but with transplant comes uncertainties. Life itself is an uncertainty so now add the daily fear of rejection. Another thing that I think about sometimes is "I will have to go through all the pain again?". In 2007 I was very sick, I was dying, I was on oxygen and Bryan had to care for me 24/7. . . . .the reality is chronic rejection will be like that again. It's a tough thing to think about. Before and after my transplant was the hardest most painful thing I endured. . . .can I do that again????
Like I said, this post is a bit of an honest look into a few things I deal with daily. . .yes, just about daily. It doesn't stop me from doing things I love and being a happy person. I DON'T dwell on these thoughts, but unfortunately post transplant creates these kinds of fears. I try very hard to live a normal life and my transplant doesn't completely consume my days I have goal, hopes and dreams that I plan on accomplishing! I do things I love and I try to inspire those around me. The truth of the risks of transplant are just too much to ignore, and I don't think it's fair to pretend they don't get to me sometimes.
Save a Life...Be Someone's Hero... Be An Organ Donor!
2 comments:
you said that before and after transplant was the most painful thing you ever endured. can you expand on that? i have been on the transplant list for 8 months and my fear isn't really dying but the recovery after surgery. of course i would love to live a normal long healthy life but i have come to the realization that, that's not my fate.
Kristie,
You bet. I will use that as my topic for my next blog post. Probably tomorrow-ish. I will go into detail my recovery story. :)
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