Last night it all hit me. . .I'm back in Oklahoma, I had to say goodbye to all of my friends and family in Idaho and I returned to what? Don't get me wrong, I couldn't stand another day without Bryan in my life. I was lonely even though I was surrounded by so many people that love me however it never feels quite right when I don't have the ONE person I love more than the world. That said, I cried myself to sleep last night in his arms. I hate that it makes Bryan feel bad that we live so far away from everything that means so much to me. I hate that everything that means so much me is so far away. My horse that I have wished for all my life, my siblings kids who are growing up so fast, and my parents who both Bryan and I LOVE spending time with all of which are in Idaho. It's a lot to focus on and not become emotional.
I really do like living away from home for the most part. I DON'T like 6+ months of cold and snow. That is what keeps me from moving back. . .well, along with no chance for much of an acting career for me OR much work for Bryan. I however would be happy living within driving distance or at least an easy straight shot on an airplane, I mean really. .is that too much to ask for? :) Life has taken us clear across the country and it may in fact take us all over, who knows. I do know that going home to Idaho is good but it makes it so much harder to return and leave it all behind. I have a hard time settling back into my daily routine here. I am irritable and anxious. Returning to "Real Life" sucks for the most part, so I am working on getting things lined up to fill my time. I applied to do another internship with a Talent Agent this time. She is located right here in Norman. I think that would be a great opportunity. I have considered getting a part time job and bring in a little money to help us get through the winter since Bryan's work will most likely slow down in a few months. . .I have some plans, some goals and all I can do is focus on what I CAN do and not on what I CAN'T do.
I believe that starting my life over after my transplant has been a very challenging part of all this. I struggle with knowing what to do with my life now. I know I want to be an actress, but what else? Or better said "What Now?" That is where I am at in life. I just keep moving forward, look for the positive things and deal with everything else :)
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2 weeks ago