I have struggled with accepting what I have been blessed with and not focusing on things like not having a family with Bryan. I guess for me one of the hardest things is that I know Bryan would be such a great "DAD" and I can't give him that. We do enjoy our freedom to do and go wherever we want whenever we want. There is always a trade off in life. Mothers Day is the one day every year that I love and hate at the same time. Again unless you have struggled with no success to have children than you may just not understand. People can think they understand or say they understand, but can they. . .really?? They can imagine what it might feel like, but they will never know how deep the pain really is, it's deep enough that it's easy to hide now. . .but it never goes away.
We find that other people our age with young families don't relate to us and don't reach out to us for friendship because I believe they feel we would have nothing in common due to us not having children that could play together. Some people assume we are "selfish" and that we have chosen to not have kids so we feel like we become "those types of people" when in reality its the opposite. I don't hold babies it's not because I don't like babies it's just easier if I stay distant and not reopen a wound that is healed over a little. I don't like Baby Showers, Baby Blessings and other things. . .I just know it will never be me, it will never be us and even though we have our pets that doesn't make me their "mom" it makes me a pet owner of a very spoiled pug.
So if you are in the same situation as me then you should be assured that you are not alone. I'm not bitter. . .I'm just a little empty this time of the year.
I have an amazing Mother & Mother in Law and both grandmas are still alive on BOTH sides of the family for me and Bryan's family. That is worth celebrating! I try to focus on them however there is always a void and a longing that I'm sure is natural and will never go away.
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4 comments:
I hear ya. I have a blog post in draft about this very thing. It's hard, especially around this time of year or when you see familys out together. I certainly understand. I know that I will never have my own kids.
Lorene
I promise you're not alone! I avoid mother's day as much as possible. Being 34, married, and LDS (in Utah of all places) without the ability to have kids is difficult. Some days it's heartbreaking to know there will never be a little piece of me in this world. I wish I could make people understand that we are all awesome kids or no kids!
HUGS!!!
I know I have a step daughter but the pain of never having my own baby hurts so much. Its like a knife in the heart. Seeing babies everywhere, seeing friends pregnant, giving birth etc, it makes me happy and so sad at the same time.
I know I am blessed to have the chance to be a step mom and I try to remind myself that I got to miss the diapers and potty training. But it doesn't replace having your own baby. And now, with the hysterectomy, there is NO chance at all of ever having a baby of MY own. I joke with P about adoption every now and then but its not a reality. Like you it would be difficult, and being so close (kinda) to needing a transplant, well that just seems silly.
LOVE YOU!!!
Thank you for this post. FB is especially good at bringing up new births and baby birthdays. Been four years since we knew kids weren't going to be part of our future, though it had been on our radar. As time has passed it has gotten easier and where I am post transplant with all sorts of issues, it isn't right or fair to a child or husband. I love up my nieces and nephews as much as I can. For the most part I can control my feelings but some days are harder than others. I know I am not alone.
Good luck with school.
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