I really don't have anyone in my life/family who could POSSIBLY understand what it is like to be infertile. It's common with CF and I don't believe in the OUTRAGEOUS price of invitro fertilization, it might be right for some people but NOT for us. People always say "well there is always adoption". . .however, with a terminal life threatening disease that can be a reason for adoption approval to be tricky. Being post double lung transplant has it's complications as well. No immune system can make it very difficult to be around children aka walking germs. lol.
I have struggled with accepting what I have been blessed with and not focusing on things like not having a family with Bryan. I guess for me one of the hardest things is that I know Bryan would be such a great "DAD" and I can't give him that. We do enjoy our freedom to do and go wherever we want whenever we want. There is always a trade off in life. Mothers Day is the one day every year that I love and hate at the same time. Again unless you have struggled with no success to have children than you may just not understand. People can think they understand or say they understand, but can they. . .really?? They can imagine what it might feel like, but they will never know how deep the pain really is, it's deep enough that it's easy to hide now. . .but it never goes away.
We find that other people our age with young families don't relate to us and don't reach out to us for friendship because I believe they feel we would have nothing in common due to us not having children that could play together. Some people assume we are "selfish" and that we have chosen to not have kids so we feel like we become "those types of people" when in reality its the opposite. I don't hold babies it's not because I don't like babies it's just easier if I stay distant and not reopen a wound that is healed over a little. I don't like Baby Showers, Baby Blessings and other things. . .I just know it will never be me, it will never be us and even though we have our pets that doesn't make me their "mom" it makes me a pet owner of a very spoiled pug.
So if you are in the same situation as me then you should be assured that you are not alone. I'm not bitter. . .I'm just a little empty this time of the year.
I have an amazing Mother & Mother in Law and both grandmas are still alive on BOTH sides of the family for me and Bryan's family. That is worth celebrating! I try to focus on them however there is always a void and a longing that I'm sure is natural and will never go away.
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2 weeks ago