I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears, behold I will heal thee.
2Kings 20:5

Monday, May 13, 2013

Mother's Day. . .mixed feelings.

I really don't have anyone in my life/family who could POSSIBLY understand what it is like to be infertile. It's common with CF and I don't believe in the OUTRAGEOUS price of invitro fertilization, it might be right for some people but NOT for us. People always say "well there is always adoption". . .however, with a terminal life threatening disease that can be a reason for adoption approval to be tricky. Being post double lung transplant has it's complications as well. No immune system can make it very difficult to be around children aka walking germs. lol. 

I have struggled with accepting what I have been blessed with and not focusing on things like not having a family with Bryan. I guess for me one of the hardest things is that I know Bryan would be such a great "DAD" and I can't give him that. We do enjoy our freedom to do and go wherever we want whenever we want. There is always a trade off in life. Mothers Day is the one day every year that I love and hate at the same time. Again unless you have struggled with no success to have children than you may just not understand. People can think they understand or say they understand, but can they. . .really?? They can imagine what it might feel like, but they will never know how deep the pain really is, it's deep enough that it's easy to hide now. . .but it never goes away.

We find that other people our age with young families don't relate to us and don't reach out to us for friendship because I believe they feel we would have nothing in common due to us not having children that could play together. Some people  assume we are "selfish" and that we have chosen to not have kids so we feel like we become "those types of people" when in reality its the opposite. I don't hold babies it's not because I don't like babies it's just easier if I stay distant and not reopen a wound that is healed over a little.  I don't like Baby Showers, Baby Blessings and other things. . .I just know it will never be me, it will never be us and even though we have our pets that doesn't make me their "mom" it makes me a pet owner of a very spoiled pug.

So if you are in the same situation as me then you should be assured that you are not alone. I'm not bitter. . .I'm just a little empty this time of the year.

I have an amazing Mother & Mother in Law and both grandmas are still alive on BOTH sides of the family for me and Bryan's family. That is worth celebrating! I try to focus on them however there is always a void and a longing that I'm sure is natural and will never go away.


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4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hear ya. I have a blog post in draft about this very thing. It's hard, especially around this time of year or when you see familys out together. I certainly understand. I know that I will never have my own kids.

Lorene

Jen said...

I promise you're not alone! I avoid mother's day as much as possible. Being 34, married, and LDS (in Utah of all places) without the ability to have kids is difficult. Some days it's heartbreaking to know there will never be a little piece of me in this world. I wish I could make people understand that we are all awesome kids or no kids!

Amy said...

HUGS!!!

I know I have a step daughter but the pain of never having my own baby hurts so much. Its like a knife in the heart. Seeing babies everywhere, seeing friends pregnant, giving birth etc, it makes me happy and so sad at the same time.

I know I am blessed to have the chance to be a step mom and I try to remind myself that I got to miss the diapers and potty training. But it doesn't replace having your own baby. And now, with the hysterectomy, there is NO chance at all of ever having a baby of MY own. I joke with P about adoption every now and then but its not a reality. Like you it would be difficult, and being so close (kinda) to needing a transplant, well that just seems silly.

LOVE YOU!!!

Saran said...

Thank you for this post. FB is especially good at bringing up new births and baby birthdays. Been four years since we knew kids weren't going to be part of our future, though it had been on our radar. As time has passed it has gotten easier and where I am post transplant with all sorts of issues, it isn't right or fair to a child or husband. I love up my nieces and nephews as much as I can. For the most part I can control my feelings but some days are harder than others. I know I am not alone.

Good luck with school.

Where to start to learn about my transplant!

Thank You for taking the time to read my blog. I am hoping that through this blog and my experiences that I can bring hope, faith and strength to all that may be living with Cystic Fibrosis, CF with Cepacia and Lung Transplant recipients. Information and blog entrees start Nov. 07. My Double Lung Transplant was on Dec. 10th 2007. Please feel free to read about my experience and ask me any questions! My email address is jamiebug77@gmail.com

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My Testimony

It's hard to put into words how I feel toward my Heavenly Father and the Savior. I have so many reasons to be thankful for what I have gone through & endured. Because of my trials in life I have gained a strong testimony of Faith. I have always had Faith in the Lord and in Prayer. As I faced the decision to get a double lung transplant I had to rely on faith to make the choice.....By listening to the spirit, I was guided to Pittsburgh where my life was saved. I believe prayers are answered. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of this: If I do what the Lord expects of me, he will give me what I want & need. That has always worked for me. I Believe in MIRACLES..........My life on this earth is a miracle- I prayed on my knees for years to be healed from my lung disease. I knew that through a priesthood blessing (if it was God's will) I could be healed. So many times I thought he would heal me instantly...my faith was tested as I continued to get sick and no cure was in my future. I turned to prayer....I talked to my Heavenly Father, I cried to him and he heard me and he healed me by guiding me to Pittsburgh and guiding the surgeons hands. I learned humility, and thankfulness. I realized that we need others to lean on and we are supposed to strengthen each others testimonies. I learned that the hardest things we'll do are usually the greatest blessings in our life. I was able to experience a lot of things during surgery and I know I had comforting angels in my ICU room. THe Lord knows each of us by name and he will never leave our side. We need to remember to stay close to him and have Faith that he is watching over us. I know this for a fact! I know that following the gospel will bring us true happiness- the world will tell us otherwise, but I know I am truely happy & living the gospel has brought me that. Amen