I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears, behold I will heal thee.
2Kings 20:5

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Reality Check...

I feel it's easy to forget what my life was like before my transplant. It's easy to think that my healthy lungs are going strong and the thought of being sick, I mean really sick again feels so impossible. I mean I'm I've been so incredibly blessed with 7 almost 8 years with nearly flawless health...well flawless to my standard ;) I just have to stop for a few minutes a day and I see so many transplant patients facing all of our worse nightmares...rejection, pneumonia, CANCER..the list goes on.  It's then that I realize just how fragile my health really is. It's a young cf warrior today and maybe it's me tomorrow or next month or next year...but the reality is that it WILL be me one day. That reminder is important to keep me diligent and motivated to my routine and committed to the demands of life post double lung transplant. I don't feel like I live in fear everyday, but I do live in a very real sense of truth. I cannot lie to myself and deny what I KNOW will happen. It helps me live more, love more, accomplish more. However, I feel people in my life don't understand me. They see the healthy, happy, "normal" Jamie and they will never understand what I deal with emotionally everyday. 

I want to lock myself away where no one can get me sick or compromise my lungs...but I force myself past that instinct to self preserve so that I can live everyday like the blessing and gift it is. There's days when Anxiety would consume me if I allow myself to overthink everything. I have accomplished so many things with my donor lungs. Things that scared the HELL out of me & excited me at the same time. Again fear and anxiety are a side effect of the traumatic experience that IS organ transplantation & the meds that keep me alive. I smile and laugh when sometimes I just want to scream and run away and hide in a quiet safe place. The Internal struggle is hard to deal with. I'm not afraid to talk about my life post transplant and despite how physically healthy I appear...it comes at a cost. 

I know many beautiful strong CF warriors who's spouses leave when life becomes "too hard"...I am blessed with a wonderful, patient, loving husband who has endured this journey lovingly by my side for the last 17 1/2 years. He promised to love me and care for me when we met in 1998 and I have never doubted his commitment and unwavering devotion to my happiness. I am so blessed. 

I borrow strength from him more than he may even know. I feel like I have to pretend I'm stronger than I am but he knows me and he loves me when I'm strong and when I cannot be. So maybe I only have years or months but I have faith that God watches over me and has a plan...I believe I have a purpose and when my purpose on this earth is complete than I know I have a purpose in the next life and I will be ready for it. All my CF friends who suffer, fight and gain their angel wings also had a purpose and they were called to their new purpose in Heaven and now are watching down on us & helping from above. 

The hardest thing to say is "goodbye". . . But it's not "goodbye" it's "see you later".  

My life has taken me many places and put many beautiful people in my life and that is what life is all about. That is why I continue to fight, to try to inspire others and live each day finding happiness in little things.  Somedays are easier than others...But as long as I have Bryan I have all I need. 
The Moulin Rouge says it best: 

1 comment:

asuransi pendidikan said...

Your article is very interesting, I wait for your next article.


Asuransi Pendidikan

Where to start to learn about my transplant!

Thank You for taking the time to read my blog. I am hoping that through this blog and my experiences that I can bring hope, faith and strength to all that may be living with Cystic Fibrosis, CF with Cepacia and Lung Transplant recipients. Information and blog entrees start Nov. 07. My Double Lung Transplant was on Dec. 10th 2007. Please feel free to read about my experience and ask me any questions! My email address is jamiebug77@gmail.com

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My Testimony

It's hard to put into words how I feel toward my Heavenly Father and the Savior. I have so many reasons to be thankful for what I have gone through & endured. Because of my trials in life I have gained a strong testimony of Faith. I have always had Faith in the Lord and in Prayer. As I faced the decision to get a double lung transplant I had to rely on faith to make the choice.....By listening to the spirit, I was guided to Pittsburgh where my life was saved. I believe prayers are answered. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of this: If I do what the Lord expects of me, he will give me what I want & need. That has always worked for me. I Believe in MIRACLES..........My life on this earth is a miracle- I prayed on my knees for years to be healed from my lung disease. I knew that through a priesthood blessing (if it was God's will) I could be healed. So many times I thought he would heal me instantly...my faith was tested as I continued to get sick and no cure was in my future. I turned to prayer....I talked to my Heavenly Father, I cried to him and he heard me and he healed me by guiding me to Pittsburgh and guiding the surgeons hands. I learned humility, and thankfulness. I realized that we need others to lean on and we are supposed to strengthen each others testimonies. I learned that the hardest things we'll do are usually the greatest blessings in our life. I was able to experience a lot of things during surgery and I know I had comforting angels in my ICU room. THe Lord knows each of us by name and he will never leave our side. We need to remember to stay close to him and have Faith that he is watching over us. I know this for a fact! I know that following the gospel will bring us true happiness- the world will tell us otherwise, but I know I am truely happy & living the gospel has brought me that. Amen