Starting Over

A life saving Organ Transplant is pretty much an opportunity or a gift rather to start your life over in a sense. It gives me the health I needed to accomplish all the things I only dreamed of doing. However, I have also had to start over with discovering who I am now. I am still 'Jamie' in most all ways, but there are a few changes, some slight alterations in behavior and the way I view things. I wouldn't go as far as I have become a different person. . .but staring death in the face, fighting for life and holding on with all the energy and hope I had, can make an impact.

Here are a few changes I have noticed. . .maybe I am the only one who notices, I would hope so. I am more fearful. I over think the outcome of every situation and find myself focusing on the danger or negative result. I lost confidence in me. I think I gained confidence in my strength to overcome. I am more afraid of failure. Letting the people in my life down is a huge burden on my conscious every single day. I am cautious and distant in new and even existing relationships. I really don't know if that is just due to the inevitable fact that I am living on borrowed time so I subconsciously have the unknowing desire to protect others from dealing with that.

But one of the biggest changes I have noticed is my drive to become what I have always thought I wanted more than anything . . . to be a movie/TV actress. I really do find myself losing interest in wasting my mortal life chasing a life of rejection and immorality. The little time I have been exposed to the industry, the more I realize I don't long for it. Sure I will always enjoy entertaining, it's in my blood. . but I just don't know if it's worth seeking. So much of what I used to LOVE is morphing into something else. I find great joy still in riding my horses. I also treasure every minute of every waking hour I get to spend with Bryan. That is where more of my focus has shifted to.

Don't misunderstand what I am saying. . I am still a dreamer, an undying optimist with huge aspirations of beating the odds and becoming anything I desire. I will never be able to let go of the dream of acting in some big blockbuster movie, but life is more real now. I see things through 'less rose colored glasses. It's hard for me to have much hope in the good of this world. I know it's there because I received charity and love first hand. I just get sick sometimes of where life around me is headed. What ever happened to make Religion/Faith, family, morals, standards, love, modesty, manners and respect out of style? It bugs me more now than it did before. Maybe because I understand that in the end, nothing else really matters.

Sorry for the soup box post. . .just my thoughts coming out into readable 'goobly glop'~



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