I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears, behold I will heal thee.
2Kings 20:5

Monday, April 19, 2010

Starting Over

A life saving Organ Transplant is pretty much an opportunity or a gift rather to start your life over in a sense. It gives me the health I needed to accomplish all the things I only dreamed of doing. However, I have also had to start over with discovering who I am now. I am still 'Jamie' in most all ways, but there are a few changes, some slight alterations in behavior and the way I view things. I wouldn't go as far as I have become a different person. . .but staring death in the face, fighting for life and holding on with all the energy and hope I had, can make an impact.

Here are a few changes I have noticed. . .maybe I am the only one who notices, I would hope so. I am more fearful. I over think the outcome of every situation and find myself focusing on the danger or negative result. I lost confidence in me. I think I gained confidence in my strength to overcome. I am more afraid of failure. Letting the people in my life down is a huge burden on my conscious every single day. I am cautious and distant in new and even existing relationships. I really don't know if that is just due to the inevitable fact that I am living on borrowed time so I subconsciously have the unknowing desire to protect others from dealing with that.

But one of the biggest changes I have noticed is my drive to become what I have always thought I wanted more than anything . . . to be a movie/TV actress. I really do find myself losing interest in wasting my mortal life chasing a life of rejection and immorality. The little time I have been exposed to the industry, the more I realize I don't long for it. Sure I will always enjoy entertaining, it's in my blood. . but I just don't know if it's worth seeking. So much of what I used to LOVE is morphing into something else. I find great joy still in riding my horses. I also treasure every minute of every waking hour I get to spend with Bryan. That is where more of my focus has shifted to.

Don't misunderstand what I am saying. . I am still a dreamer, an undying optimist with huge aspirations of beating the odds and becoming anything I desire. I will never be able to let go of the dream of acting in some big blockbuster movie, but life is more real now. I see things through 'less rose colored glasses. It's hard for me to have much hope in the good of this world. I know it's there because I received charity and love first hand. I just get sick sometimes of where life around me is headed. What ever happened to make Religion/Faith, family, morals, standards, love, modesty, manners and respect out of style? It bugs me more now than it did before. Maybe because I understand that in the end, nothing else really matters.

Sorry for the soup box post. . .just my thoughts coming out into readable 'goobly glop'~

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1 comment:

Hanging out with the Riley's said...

I love your goobly glop! I went through that when I got home from Boise State. I wasn't a good fit for me and I think it opened my eyes to what I really wanted in the theatre and performing world. You will find something in that world that is a good fit. And your fear sometimes can take control and sometime drive you away from things that stem it. Your wonderful Ja. you always are. Love you!

Where to start to learn about my transplant!

Thank You for taking the time to read my blog. I am hoping that through this blog and my experiences that I can bring hope, faith and strength to all that may be living with Cystic Fibrosis, CF with Cepacia and Lung Transplant recipients. Information and blog entrees start Nov. 07. My Double Lung Transplant was on Dec. 10th 2007. Please feel free to read about my experience and ask me any questions! My email address is jamiebug77@gmail.com

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My Testimony

It's hard to put into words how I feel toward my Heavenly Father and the Savior. I have so many reasons to be thankful for what I have gone through & endured. Because of my trials in life I have gained a strong testimony of Faith. I have always had Faith in the Lord and in Prayer. As I faced the decision to get a double lung transplant I had to rely on faith to make the choice.....By listening to the spirit, I was guided to Pittsburgh where my life was saved. I believe prayers are answered. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of this: If I do what the Lord expects of me, he will give me what I want & need. That has always worked for me. I Believe in MIRACLES..........My life on this earth is a miracle- I prayed on my knees for years to be healed from my lung disease. I knew that through a priesthood blessing (if it was God's will) I could be healed. So many times I thought he would heal me instantly...my faith was tested as I continued to get sick and no cure was in my future. I turned to prayer....I talked to my Heavenly Father, I cried to him and he heard me and he healed me by guiding me to Pittsburgh and guiding the surgeons hands. I learned humility, and thankfulness. I realized that we need others to lean on and we are supposed to strengthen each others testimonies. I learned that the hardest things we'll do are usually the greatest blessings in our life. I was able to experience a lot of things during surgery and I know I had comforting angels in my ICU room. THe Lord knows each of us by name and he will never leave our side. We need to remember to stay close to him and have Faith that he is watching over us. I know this for a fact! I know that following the gospel will bring us true happiness- the world will tell us otherwise, but I know I am truely happy & living the gospel has brought me that. Amen