Sound Familiar?

I have read up on side effects of all the drugs I take. Anyone Post Transplant can probably relate at some level. . . maybe not. I try to be real on my blog. It does go against my instinct and personality. Lately, though I am not always sure what personality I am going to be from day to day. This is one of the trade offs I live with. Transplant life is over all wonderful, but life on all the medication is not.

I am a happy person, or so I think. Most people know me that way. I wouldn't say I am a different person, but even Bryan has mentioned things that have changed in me a little. There are days I have to force myself to get out of bed, to go outside of the apartment and to think positive things about myself. There are days I am hopeful, excited about what life has ahead of me and other days I fight the urge to feel defeated and anxious. Almost every night I am wide awake and my mind is racing yet all day I have been lethargic. Any of this sound familiar? I struggle to not over react to little things or to be happy for others. I used to be easy going, outgoing, not much bothered me and I had a temper fuse that seemed to burn forever before I got upset. I see that person once in a while, but not as often as I like.

Like I've said before, I have days where I feel like 'bubbly Jamie', but now I am bubbly Jamie who can become sad and discouraged easily. What do I think is causing this? Frankly, Medications. The exact medications that cause these personality changes are also keeping me alive and healthy, so I have learned to recognize and deal with them. No one ever promised me life would be the same as before transplant, there is just no way it can be. These last 2.5 years are SERIOUSLY the first time in my life I have had to deal with mood swings, insomnia, depression, unpredictable sadness and anxiety. I overcome it with out adding more medications to the mix. I am surprised I actually do so well. Maybe others cope as well or even better. I just want to share what my life is like. . . it's easy to paint a well adjusted, happy, optimistic picture of my life post transplant but that would be a little white lie. Most of us who are faced with the decision to transplant or those of us that chose transplant know that life is not a fairy tale. There are the days we want to bite into the poisonous apple and possibly the same day we will dance through enchanted forests and sing.

Prednisone, Prograf, and Bactrim are the ones I suspect have a hand in all this. It's a love/hate relationship that I welcome with open arms. I can't do more than learn to recognize and counter balance my life. I am actually hoping some of this evens out a little better when Bryan is done with school and the feeling of loneliness is reduced.

I am fighting the urge to delete this post and blog about 'how great life is' because my "Jamie" optimism and positive attitude can hardly stand allowing me to type this. Hahaha, I am a control freak when it comes to myself. I feel like I am battling multiple wars at the same time. So far I consider myself slightly wounded yet victorious~

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