I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears, behold I will heal thee.
2Kings 20:5

Friday, June 18, 2010

Living Nightmare

Since my latest post was about what I remember before surgery. . . I thought I could follow up with some after surgery. This is where stuff starts getting weird!

I only had a small window of time where I was somewhat thinking clearly. I remember after waking up from surgery I was told they had to leave my whole incision open, or at least the left side. The lungs I got were a little bit big for my chest, so they trimmed them to fit better. They had to leave the 18" incision open until swelling went down a little. I remember I was obsesses and kept pointing out that no one can touch my chest cuz it was open. I admit I was afraid to look down at it in fear it was just wide open! (it wasn't though) It was a couple days after surgery they took me back in and closed me up. I have to say whomever closed the incision did a fabulous job~ my scar is seriously hardly noticeable!

I remember my mom brought me a stress sqeezy ball thing and a little horse/unicorn stuffed animal. . .by then I had dementia and reacted oddly to things and dementia made it impossible to differentiate between reality and craziness.

This was the main things I remember. I thought the nurses were feeding me Italian Dressing through my Tube Feeding. I remember looking at the bottle and that is what I saw! I saw people standing around my room, just watching me. I thought the doctors and nurses were doing radio active testing on me and trying to kill me before I could tell anyone about what they were doing. I thought I was being pulled through walls. I had nightmares constantly, whether I was asleep or awake. I thought the med tray was a stack of beautifully wrapped gifts for me. Pink with brown polka dot paper with HUGE bows. I thought the nurses where trying to shut off my ventilator. and the respiratory therapist was putting deadly gasses through it forcing me to breath it. I REALLY believed this was real, so imagine how terrified I was to be left alone! I only trusted ONE person Bryan. He was called to sit with me in the middle of the night cuz the nurses couldn't get me to settle down. Pretty sure I was being given anti-psychotics :) I know I needed them. Oh and not to mention I was pretty sure my bed was leaking nitrogen or something and I was afraid it was going to blow up everything. Oh and then there is a whole saga about how I killed 16 college students and thought I was going to jail, assassination attempts were being made. . . .to be continued. I was crazy for weeks and weeks. oh and I can tell you when I was able to escape (but not really) and told the cops what was going on & about the foreign doctor who was running a crime circle in the hospital! I thought IT WAS all real.

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Where to start to learn about my transplant!

Thank You for taking the time to read my blog. I am hoping that through this blog and my experiences that I can bring hope, faith and strength to all that may be living with Cystic Fibrosis, CF with Cepacia and Lung Transplant recipients. Information and blog entrees start Nov. 07. My Double Lung Transplant was on Dec. 10th 2007. Please feel free to read about my experience and ask me any questions! My email address is jamiebug77@gmail.com

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My Testimony

It's hard to put into words how I feel toward my Heavenly Father and the Savior. I have so many reasons to be thankful for what I have gone through & endured. Because of my trials in life I have gained a strong testimony of Faith. I have always had Faith in the Lord and in Prayer. As I faced the decision to get a double lung transplant I had to rely on faith to make the choice.....By listening to the spirit, I was guided to Pittsburgh where my life was saved. I believe prayers are answered. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of this: If I do what the Lord expects of me, he will give me what I want & need. That has always worked for me. I Believe in MIRACLES..........My life on this earth is a miracle- I prayed on my knees for years to be healed from my lung disease. I knew that through a priesthood blessing (if it was God's will) I could be healed. So many times I thought he would heal me instantly...my faith was tested as I continued to get sick and no cure was in my future. I turned to prayer....I talked to my Heavenly Father, I cried to him and he heard me and he healed me by guiding me to Pittsburgh and guiding the surgeons hands. I learned humility, and thankfulness. I realized that we need others to lean on and we are supposed to strengthen each others testimonies. I learned that the hardest things we'll do are usually the greatest blessings in our life. I was able to experience a lot of things during surgery and I know I had comforting angels in my ICU room. THe Lord knows each of us by name and he will never leave our side. We need to remember to stay close to him and have Faith that he is watching over us. I know this for a fact! I know that following the gospel will bring us true happiness- the world will tell us otherwise, but I know I am truely happy & living the gospel has brought me that. Amen