What I remember

More than once I have wished I could remember more from the days before my transplant. But due to carbon dioxide levels. . I don't. Maybe that's a good thing, it's probably a good thing. As I read some of the new transplant recipients experiences with getting the call, etc. it just takes me back. . . I didn't document the months or days before my transplant and I do not remember large chunks of time before my transplant. . .and even worse, I don't remember the little details. I do remember a few select things and with the help of Bryan and my family I do recall a few other things. Here is what I DO remember.

I will try to recall the 24 hours before I was put on a ventilator.
December 6th 2007
I woke up Wednesday night(Thursday morning) in the middle of the night, I remember I could not sleep. I remember being afraid I would not wake up. In a way I think somewhere deep inside me I knew I was going to die. I woke Bryan up and he comforted me, we spent most of the night in each others arms. The rest of the morning I don't really remember. Bryan said when we got to the hospital we couldn't find a wheelchair so I had to walk and apparently I complained about it the entire time. I remember wierd, random things like passing a vending machine and wanting a Mnt Dew. I DO remember passing Ashley on the way to the clinic. Ashley was a CF/Cepacia patient who was  about 3 months post transplant. . .seeing and talking with her was important to me & that is one thing I never forgot. I don't remember meeting/talking to any doctors or surgeons, which I apparently did. I only remember feeling really tired and extremely thirsty. I remember my doctor's nurse,  because she had cute, short hair. (random stuff). I remember laying in a hospital bed and I remember Bryan was crying and I started to sing "Don't cry for me Argentina" to him. . . I remember it made us laugh. I remember talking to my Dad on the phone since he was in Idaho. I remember we said our goodbyes, and our "I love yous". He asked me if I was done carrying my burden in life (CF), and I remembering replying "Yes". Bryan told me when we were told I needed to be put on a ventilator, I told him it was the right thing to do. (I don't remember that). I remember thinking a little boy across the hall was making this awful moaning/groaning sound and I remember I was wishing they would make him stop. . .later I learned the moaning and groaning was coming from me. That is probably the last thing I actually remember. I was ventilated Friday December 7th.  I was peaceful for the first time in many years.

That is how I remember the hours/days before my transplant. I didn't have to fight the emotions of 'getting the call' or being prepped for surgery. But, I don't remember the tender and loving words that I am sure Bryan whispered as he sat by my bedside for 3 days while I was being kept alive.( I am hoping one day I can get Bry to guest post)  I have no doubts that my experience was how God had planned. It was perfect for ME. . .I think that's the beauty of everyone's story, they are unique in many ways and they are all beautiful miracles.

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