I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears, behold I will heal thee.
2Kings 20:5

Friday, August 6, 2010

I can't get over it

Okay, so tonight I am just gonna kinda rant. Sorry.

I am really not sure exactly why. . .but if I get bugged about something I just can't seem to get over it very easily! And the worst part is that it could be over the smallest thing. Well, needless to say I am bugged tonight. Grrrrrr. It is actually over something really stupid too. It's things like this that are frustrating to me now. Transplant life has given me great things in life, but it has taken away a few things as well. Like my patience and my ability to let things go. That is part of the "new me" I was talking about in my last post. I have to learn how to deal with my out of control thoughts and I focus on things until I am so worked up I can't stand it! I worry way too much and stress out over things that I know are not a big deal. How do I make this stop? I haven't really figured that out yet.

I really have to hold myself back sometimes from just opening a can on people around me. No joke. I can get so worked up I want to just scream "SHUT UP!!" at people. Or whatever applies to the situation. I am normally really even tempered, but I just have a moody darkness that lives inside me sometimes. Maybe it's the prednisone I mean it's a steroid and I have heard others complain about how it makes them feel. Either way, I don't know how to release my tension other than just gettin it out of my head. And my blog is a relatively safe place for me to express myself.

I love the quote from Will Ferrell (Zoolander): "I feel like I am taking CRAZY PILLS". I honestly do sometimes! I can't sleep, I get bugged easily, half the time my brain is running a hundred miles an hour and the other half I feel like I am suffering from Alzheimer. It's really frustrating!!

Maybe no one can relate. I know I have posted complaining about how my meds effect me, but that is the mood I am in. . .don't worry it will change probably very soon.
I think I control the irritable side of me, for the most part. It's not who I am. . . .I don't ever want to be known as that. I am done releasing frustration.

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2 comments:

Piper said...

personally, i want to say "thank you" for being so honest and real about this side of things. transplant is an amazing blessing -- a gift beyond words -- but when i first got home i was confused as to why i couldn't feel quite like "me." and now, only a couple months into this lifelong journey, i am realizing that i am still me, but also that the "me" i am has changed a little. there are these new things, and it's probably partly the meds and partly the life experience and maybe partly something we'll never understand. but it's real, and it's so amazing to hear from another (and one of my "transplant idols" ;)) that it's not just me who feels this way.

i always love your blog. keep up the amazing journey.

Cammi said...

i think everyone with chronic illness has probably had days like this. hang in there! you're awesome and your blog is always enlightening. thanks for sharing!

Where to start to learn about my transplant!

Thank You for taking the time to read my blog. I am hoping that through this blog and my experiences that I can bring hope, faith and strength to all that may be living with Cystic Fibrosis, CF with Cepacia and Lung Transplant recipients. Information and blog entrees start Nov. 07. My Double Lung Transplant was on Dec. 10th 2007. Please feel free to read about my experience and ask me any questions! My email address is jamiebug77@gmail.com

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My Testimony

It's hard to put into words how I feel toward my Heavenly Father and the Savior. I have so many reasons to be thankful for what I have gone through & endured. Because of my trials in life I have gained a strong testimony of Faith. I have always had Faith in the Lord and in Prayer. As I faced the decision to get a double lung transplant I had to rely on faith to make the choice.....By listening to the spirit, I was guided to Pittsburgh where my life was saved. I believe prayers are answered. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of this: If I do what the Lord expects of me, he will give me what I want & need. That has always worked for me. I Believe in MIRACLES..........My life on this earth is a miracle- I prayed on my knees for years to be healed from my lung disease. I knew that through a priesthood blessing (if it was God's will) I could be healed. So many times I thought he would heal me instantly...my faith was tested as I continued to get sick and no cure was in my future. I turned to prayer....I talked to my Heavenly Father, I cried to him and he heard me and he healed me by guiding me to Pittsburgh and guiding the surgeons hands. I learned humility, and thankfulness. I realized that we need others to lean on and we are supposed to strengthen each others testimonies. I learned that the hardest things we'll do are usually the greatest blessings in our life. I was able to experience a lot of things during surgery and I know I had comforting angels in my ICU room. THe Lord knows each of us by name and he will never leave our side. We need to remember to stay close to him and have Faith that he is watching over us. I know this for a fact! I know that following the gospel will bring us true happiness- the world will tell us otherwise, but I know I am truely happy & living the gospel has brought me that. Amen