I am really not sure exactly why. . .but if I get bugged about something I just can't seem to get over it very easily! And the worst part is that it could be over the smallest thing. Well, needless to say I am bugged tonight. Grrrrrr. It is actually over something really stupid too. It's things like this that are frustrating to me now. Transplant life has given me great things in life, but it has taken away a few things as well. Like my patience and my ability to let things go. That is part of the "new me" I was talking about in my last post. I have to learn how to deal with my out of control thoughts and I focus on things until I am so worked up I can't stand it! I worry way too much and stress out over things that I know are not a big deal. How do I make this stop? I haven't really figured that out yet.
I really have to hold myself back sometimes from just opening a can on people around me. No joke. I can get so worked up I want to just scream "SHUT UP!!" at people. Or whatever applies to the situation. I am normally really even tempered, but I just have a moody darkness that lives inside me sometimes. Maybe it's the prednisone I mean it's a steroid and I have heard others complain about how it makes them feel. Either way, I don't know how to release my tension other than just gettin it out of my head. And my blog is a relatively safe place for me to express myself.
I love the quote from Will Ferrell (Zoolander): "I feel like I am taking CRAZY PILLS". I honestly do sometimes! I can't sleep, I get bugged easily, half the time my brain is running a hundred miles an hour and the other half I feel like I am suffering from Alzheimer. It's really frustrating!!
Maybe no one can relate. I know I have posted complaining about how my meds effect me, but that is the mood I am in. . .don't worry it will change probably very soon.
I think I control the irritable side of me, for the most part. It's not who I am. . . .I don't ever want to be known as that. I am done releasing frustration.
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2 comments:
personally, i want to say "thank you" for being so honest and real about this side of things. transplant is an amazing blessing -- a gift beyond words -- but when i first got home i was confused as to why i couldn't feel quite like "me." and now, only a couple months into this lifelong journey, i am realizing that i am still me, but also that the "me" i am has changed a little. there are these new things, and it's probably partly the meds and partly the life experience and maybe partly something we'll never understand. but it's real, and it's so amazing to hear from another (and one of my "transplant idols" ;)) that it's not just me who feels this way.
i always love your blog. keep up the amazing journey.
i think everyone with chronic illness has probably had days like this. hang in there! you're awesome and your blog is always enlightening. thanks for sharing!
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