I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears, behold I will heal thee.
2Kings 20:5

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

It's okay to Cry

I shut the door so I can be alone. . .although I am never alone. I have a constant companion that is my source of life. I stand in front of the mirror and see me the way everyone else does. A very sick young woman. I see the oxygen tubing which I hate but I am thankful for because it is my constant companion, my source of life. I take all my clothes off, I see my naked, weakened body which fights to keep from becoming tiny and frail. I can count the bumps on my spine along with every rib. My back is rounded and my shoulders are thrown forward as I desperately struggle for relief as I take in shallow breaths.

I draw a hot bath. I don't know why, but submerging myself in my tub is comforting and gives my aching body some relief. This is when I can take off the mask. I can be alone with my reality. I can break down and no one is burdened by it. I set my CD player on 'repeat' and I push play. I find peace and comfort in listening to one song over, and over, and over again. "Don't give up, because you are loved. . ."

Tears fall into the water and disappear leaving no evidence that my pain has become more than I can bare. The music disguises my weeping. I don't have to be strong for anyone at this moment and it is a good thing, because I have no more strength to give. My world is crashing in around me. . .I cannot bare it alone. I have faith that I am never alone.

The water is no longer warm, my skin is soft and waterlogged. I don't want this moment to be over. I don't want to face the outside world. I am not ready. My head is pounding, my heart is racing as I towel dry my body. I cannot hold it back, I am forced to cough so hard that the veins in my hands, legs and feet feel like they will explode. I cannot draw air back into my lungs. Terror. Fear. I do not want to die like this. I do not want to die alone. As I begin to black out, somehow I find the strength to finally fill my lungs with air. I sit down. I begin to recover. . . I hear the words to my music still playing over and over. "Don't give up, because you are loved"

I bring myself to finish getting ready. I blow dry my hair. I cough some more. I don't bother putting make up on because I barely have enough energy to dress myself. As I slowly put my clothes on I shed a few more tears. I know my body cannot endure many more days like this. I rest. Simple things are very difficult. My heart rate is high. My heartbeat is thumping so loud in my head and it feels as though it wants to jump out of my chest.

I open the door. I am ready for another day. I am happy I am alive. Knowing my body should not be capable of doing the things I push it to do. . .I smile. I smile because I won't give up and I know I am loved.

This was a day in my life pre lung transplant. CF needs to be stopped. I hope some day CF does stand for Cure Found!!

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4 comments:

Stephanie aka PinkPigg said...

WOW. So powerful. Thank you for sharing. I've never thought of the being alone & crying thing. Must try it sometime when things get to be too much.

Peace,
Steph

James Fahr said...

Oh man I remember the feelings well, I didn't cry through it but was a beaten man. I remember sitting and gasping at my O2 tube after showers just trying not to black out and hoping for the strength to put on clothes and face the day.

Sherri said...

Thanks for sharing your experience--tears are cleansing in many ways. I can relate to wanting to share your pain with someone but not wanting them to hurt--so you carry it alone. It's tough.

Denise Fahr said...

Wow Jamie! You know, I remember hearing Jim say these things but sad to admit, I understand more when I hear you or others explain the exact same thing. I don't know why and it's not like I didn't believe him. Maybe it was my way of coping, trying to believe he really wasn't struggling as much as he was saying or maybe it's because he tried to not make as big of a deal out of it to protect me. This CF does need to be STOPPED!

Where to start to learn about my transplant!

Thank You for taking the time to read my blog. I am hoping that through this blog and my experiences that I can bring hope, faith and strength to all that may be living with Cystic Fibrosis, CF with Cepacia and Lung Transplant recipients. Information and blog entrees start Nov. 07. My Double Lung Transplant was on Dec. 10th 2007. Please feel free to read about my experience and ask me any questions! My email address is jamiebug77@gmail.com

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My Testimony

It's hard to put into words how I feel toward my Heavenly Father and the Savior. I have so many reasons to be thankful for what I have gone through & endured. Because of my trials in life I have gained a strong testimony of Faith. I have always had Faith in the Lord and in Prayer. As I faced the decision to get a double lung transplant I had to rely on faith to make the choice.....By listening to the spirit, I was guided to Pittsburgh where my life was saved. I believe prayers are answered. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of this: If I do what the Lord expects of me, he will give me what I want & need. That has always worked for me. I Believe in MIRACLES..........My life on this earth is a miracle- I prayed on my knees for years to be healed from my lung disease. I knew that through a priesthood blessing (if it was God's will) I could be healed. So many times I thought he would heal me instantly...my faith was tested as I continued to get sick and no cure was in my future. I turned to prayer....I talked to my Heavenly Father, I cried to him and he heard me and he healed me by guiding me to Pittsburgh and guiding the surgeons hands. I learned humility, and thankfulness. I realized that we need others to lean on and we are supposed to strengthen each others testimonies. I learned that the hardest things we'll do are usually the greatest blessings in our life. I was able to experience a lot of things during surgery and I know I had comforting angels in my ICU room. THe Lord knows each of us by name and he will never leave our side. We need to remember to stay close to him and have Faith that he is watching over us. I know this for a fact! I know that following the gospel will bring us true happiness- the world will tell us otherwise, but I know I am truely happy & living the gospel has brought me that. Amen