I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears, behold I will heal thee.
2Kings 20:5

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Doubt Monster

I live and share my mind with a doubt monster. . .any one else? I know I am talented and I know I have proven over my lifetime that I am strong and can endure what life throws at me with a joyful attitude. BUT I have to fight the self doubt that creeps into my daily life. Why do I feel like I am not as good as I should be or could be? Why do I always doubt my talents, my abilities? That is what bothers me sometimes.
I am a confident young woman (old woman in CF years) haha~ But I am my biggest road block of my own personal success. I am where I am because I use the talents God has given me. . .but I also internally destroy the full potential that I know I have. Fear of Failure looms in my head and discouragement or thoughts of being 'un-derserving' is hard to ignore.

I really am an outspoken, expressionate, outgoing, friendly, and creative person who loves to laugh and make others laugh. Perhaps self doubt is a VERY normal thing. When I was younger. . .nothing could have ever made me doubt that I could be whatever I wanted to be! I proclaimed it to everyone I met. So I ponder. . .what and when did that undying faith in myself fade away? Where can I find it again?

Life experiences change us. They change our interests, our goals, our future. I feel that perhaps having to face the 'end stage of CF' . . .to have my life shatter around me at a young age, could have buried my fearlessness somewhere. I had to use all my fearlessness to fight for a transplant. . .I think I need to do some digging and rescue that buried part of me. My confidence in myself.

I know who I am. I love who I am. I just want to be more than who I am. . .to become the best of who I can be. That is perhaps the ultimate goal. Despite the doubt monster haunting my hopes and dreams, I am very happy. I know I am very loved. I know I am beautiful inside and out. I CAN learn to destroy the monster that allows me to hold myself back. I can will accomplish great things!


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2 comments:

Jen said...

Hi Jamie,

I found your blog through CysticLIfe. You are an inspiration to me! My daughter is 18 months old and living with CF. She is doing great! But what the future holds for her is, I guess like all of us, unknown. Keep positive! And if it means anything you're great!

Jennifer Kobler :)

Hanging out with the Riley's said...

oh sis...you are the ONLY one like you believe me I know I have looked no one could ever fill your shoes! I know you think I am byes but I know you are extremely talented. Just look at your legacy so far. Paved with all the colors of hardship and the fight to just be YOU. Lv you always! By the way, I love the doubt monster picture you posted. That is exactly what I think it looks like....haha.

Where to start to learn about my transplant!

Thank You for taking the time to read my blog. I am hoping that through this blog and my experiences that I can bring hope, faith and strength to all that may be living with Cystic Fibrosis, CF with Cepacia and Lung Transplant recipients. Information and blog entrees start Nov. 07. My Double Lung Transplant was on Dec. 10th 2007. Please feel free to read about my experience and ask me any questions! My email address is jamiebug77@gmail.com

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My Testimony

It's hard to put into words how I feel toward my Heavenly Father and the Savior. I have so many reasons to be thankful for what I have gone through & endured. Because of my trials in life I have gained a strong testimony of Faith. I have always had Faith in the Lord and in Prayer. As I faced the decision to get a double lung transplant I had to rely on faith to make the choice.....By listening to the spirit, I was guided to Pittsburgh where my life was saved. I believe prayers are answered. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of this: If I do what the Lord expects of me, he will give me what I want & need. That has always worked for me. I Believe in MIRACLES..........My life on this earth is a miracle- I prayed on my knees for years to be healed from my lung disease. I knew that through a priesthood blessing (if it was God's will) I could be healed. So many times I thought he would heal me instantly...my faith was tested as I continued to get sick and no cure was in my future. I turned to prayer....I talked to my Heavenly Father, I cried to him and he heard me and he healed me by guiding me to Pittsburgh and guiding the surgeons hands. I learned humility, and thankfulness. I realized that we need others to lean on and we are supposed to strengthen each others testimonies. I learned that the hardest things we'll do are usually the greatest blessings in our life. I was able to experience a lot of things during surgery and I know I had comforting angels in my ICU room. THe Lord knows each of us by name and he will never leave our side. We need to remember to stay close to him and have Faith that he is watching over us. I know this for a fact! I know that following the gospel will bring us true happiness- the world will tell us otherwise, but I know I am truely happy & living the gospel has brought me that. Amen