Financing the VW Beetle was difficult. It is the first "real" purchase we have made. It is the first thing that we have done to improve our future. We took a pretty big financial hit after the transplant. The life Bryan and I had built together changed forever. We found happiness just being together, just being alive. However, now that he is getting close to finishing school I find a new future unfolding. It is difficult to want to commit to anything even something that may seem trivial like buying a car. I catch myself feeling like I don't deserve it. . . I have been given so much already and I feel selfish for wanting more. I honestly deep down feel like I owe so much to so many people that I shouldn't have things for myself. It can be so overwhelming.
I feel like I have allowed people to become a part of my life, I have HAD to ask for help in so many aspects of this journey. . . and therefore I feel like I have to answer for everything I do, have, buy, or want. It sounds crazy maybe so some, but it is real for me. Things like cars, house, and especially a family are all things I feel like I should never have. I do believe I am worth having all these things, but going through all we have. . .I feel like somehow someone will be cheated or feel cheated. Especially those that have helped us and continue to help us and I feel I will be cheating Bryan when it comes to a family. (When I am ready, I will go into this in more detail).
I have faith that the LORD has a plan for me. I don't know exactly what it is. . I just know there is one. I NEED to plan for a future, WE need to prepare ourselves so we can become as strong on our own as we were pre-transplant. I want to be able to help ourselves as much as possible. That in itself is something I never thought would become a worry. I was prepared to die, I was prepared to leave all the stress of the world behind me. . . but the reality of life is when we survive. . . life must go on.

Save a life * Be Someone's Hero * Be an Organ Donor
1 comment:
Ob-la-di ob-la-da, my friend.
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