I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears, behold I will heal thee.
2Kings 20:5

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Planning For The Future

It's an interesting thing. . . planning a future again. I had a future, then I had to take life day by day. I have taken life day by day ever since. I have not really put much thought into planning for our future. I didn't really see myself owning much ever again. It's easy to 'talk' about "someday owning a Lotus" or "Going somewhere exotic" heck, even just someday going to NYC seemed like dreaming and deep down never a reality. It has been an internal struggle I deal with often.

Financing the VW Beetle was difficult. It is the first "real" purchase we have made. It is the first thing that we have done to improve our future. We took a pretty big financial hit after the transplant. The life Bryan and I had built together changed forever. We found happiness just being together, just being alive. However, now that he is getting close to finishing school I find a new future unfolding. It is difficult to want to commit to anything even something that may seem trivial like buying a car. I catch myself feeling like I don't deserve it. . . I have been given so much already and I feel selfish for wanting more. I honestly deep down feel like I owe so much to so many people that I shouldn't have things for myself. It can be so overwhelming.

I feel like I have allowed people to become a part of my life, I have HAD to ask for help in so many aspects of this journey. . . and therefore I feel like I have to answer for everything I do, have, buy, or want. It sounds crazy maybe so some, but it is real for me. Things like cars, house, and especially a family are all things I feel like I should never have. I do believe I am worth having all these things, but going through all we have. . .I feel like somehow someone will be cheated or feel cheated. Especially those that have helped us and continue to help us and I feel I will be cheating Bryan when it comes to a family. (When I am ready, I will go into this in more detail).

I have faith that the LORD has a plan for me. I don't know exactly what it is. . I just know there is one. I NEED to plan for a future, WE need to prepare ourselves so we can become as strong on our own as we were pre-transplant. I want to be able to help ourselves as much as possible. That in itself is something I never thought would become a worry. I was prepared to die, I was prepared to leave all the stress of the world behind me. . . but the reality of life is when we survive. . . life must go on.Photobucket

Save a life * Be Someone's Hero * Be an Organ Donor

1 comment:

bo said...

Ob-la-di ob-la-da, my friend.

Where to start to learn about my transplant!

Thank You for taking the time to read my blog. I am hoping that through this blog and my experiences that I can bring hope, faith and strength to all that may be living with Cystic Fibrosis, CF with Cepacia and Lung Transplant recipients. Information and blog entrees start Nov. 07. My Double Lung Transplant was on Dec. 10th 2007. Please feel free to read about my experience and ask me any questions! My email address is jamiebug77@gmail.com

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My Testimony

It's hard to put into words how I feel toward my Heavenly Father and the Savior. I have so many reasons to be thankful for what I have gone through & endured. Because of my trials in life I have gained a strong testimony of Faith. I have always had Faith in the Lord and in Prayer. As I faced the decision to get a double lung transplant I had to rely on faith to make the choice.....By listening to the spirit, I was guided to Pittsburgh where my life was saved. I believe prayers are answered. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of this: If I do what the Lord expects of me, he will give me what I want & need. That has always worked for me. I Believe in MIRACLES..........My life on this earth is a miracle- I prayed on my knees for years to be healed from my lung disease. I knew that through a priesthood blessing (if it was God's will) I could be healed. So many times I thought he would heal me instantly...my faith was tested as I continued to get sick and no cure was in my future. I turned to prayer....I talked to my Heavenly Father, I cried to him and he heard me and he healed me by guiding me to Pittsburgh and guiding the surgeons hands. I learned humility, and thankfulness. I realized that we need others to lean on and we are supposed to strengthen each others testimonies. I learned that the hardest things we'll do are usually the greatest blessings in our life. I was able to experience a lot of things during surgery and I know I had comforting angels in my ICU room. THe Lord knows each of us by name and he will never leave our side. We need to remember to stay close to him and have Faith that he is watching over us. I know this for a fact! I know that following the gospel will bring us true happiness- the world will tell us otherwise, but I know I am truely happy & living the gospel has brought me that. Amen