Planning For The Future

It's an interesting thing. . . planning a future again. I had a future, then I had to take life day by day. I have taken life day by day ever since. I have not really put much thought into planning for our future. I didn't really see myself owning much ever again. It's easy to 'talk' about "someday owning a Lotus" or "Going somewhere exotic" heck, even just someday going to NYC seemed like dreaming and deep down never a reality. It has been an internal struggle I deal with often.

Financing the VW Beetle was difficult. It is the first "real" purchase we have made. It is the first thing that we have done to improve our future. We took a pretty big financial hit after the transplant. The life Bryan and I had built together changed forever. We found happiness just being together, just being alive. However, now that he is getting close to finishing school I find a new future unfolding. It is difficult to want to commit to anything even something that may seem trivial like buying a car. I catch myself feeling like I don't deserve it. . . I have been given so much already and I feel selfish for wanting more. I honestly deep down feel like I owe so much to so many people that I shouldn't have things for myself. It can be so overwhelming.

I feel like I have allowed people to become a part of my life, I have HAD to ask for help in so many aspects of this journey. . . and therefore I feel like I have to answer for everything I do, have, buy, or want. It sounds crazy maybe so some, but it is real for me. Things like cars, house, and especially a family are all things I feel like I should never have. I do believe I am worth having all these things, but going through all we have. . .I feel like somehow someone will be cheated or feel cheated. Especially those that have helped us and continue to help us and I feel I will be cheating Bryan when it comes to a family. (When I am ready, I will go into this in more detail).

I have faith that the LORD has a plan for me. I don't know exactly what it is. . I just know there is one. I NEED to plan for a future, WE need to prepare ourselves so we can become as strong on our own as we were pre-transplant. I want to be able to help ourselves as much as possible. That in itself is something I never thought would become a worry. I was prepared to die, I was prepared to leave all the stress of the world behind me. . . but the reality of life is when we survive. . . life must go on.

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