I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears, behold I will heal thee.
2Kings 20:5

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mothers Day. . .again.

Mothers Day. . .this is one "holiday" that I am really torn about. On one hand it is a day to celebrate 2 very special women in my life. My mother who is an amazing woman and through her talents and examples I was shaped into the woman I am today. AND My mother in law who is one of my biggest supporters and shows me love and compassion.

What tears me up about this holiday is how terrible I feel every year. I am not a mother. I will probably never be a mother. I cannot give Bryan the opportunity to be a father. I get sick of hearing "how great it is to be a mother" and that "there is no higher calling". It is for this reason I do not like to attend church on mother's day. It doesn't make me uplifted, in fact I usually feel worse. I don't want anyone to feel "bad" for me or think I harbor ill feelings, unless a woman is living the fact they are unable to have children of their own they cannot possibly begin to understand. I had to deal with the fact I felt "broken" many years ago.

Does not having children of my own make me less of  a woman? NO. I don't feel that way, however I do feel a lot of other things. I feel like each of our lives are very different. Motherhood might be "blissful and rewarding" as some women might describe it, but the truth is that it's difficult and stressful too. My life has been filled with more blessings that I can count. I am grateful for that and I would never change a thing about the trials in my life. That said, it still leaves me with a void. Every woman would feel the same way I do. We are created to want children. So because of that I feel incomplete. I look at the wonderful man Bryan is & I see how great he is around kids and I can't help but feel a little loss that he may never be a "dad".

What really gets under my skin is when I hear women who have had kids complain about their less than perfect breasts, body, hips, stretch marks, weight, etc. from child bearing. . . and that they need fixed cuz they are not perfect since they had kids.  If that is what I have to sacrifice to bring a life into this world that is a part of me & Bryan then I say it's a pretty small trade off. Maybe they would rather have perky breasts, tight stomachs and no stretch marks than to have their family? I don't think they would.  Keeping life in perspective is so very important.  I have a 17" scar across my chest, I have scars all over my body from tubes and surgeries. I have a scar in my throat from the Trachea Ventilator that the whole world can see when they look at me. I have a permanent port-a-cath on my chest that sports not only a bump but also a nice scar. . .would I change having my new lungs or my health for no scars, no I would never dream of it. Would I ever want to change or complain about those things that tell my story. . .no, I would never dream of it.

 Finding the joy in life despite our trials is the key to happiness. Many times I am thankful that I get Bryan all to myself. I love that we can go anywhere anytime and be together. I love that we have no stress from kids in our home. Even though I can find a thousand reasons I love my life with Bryan they still never completely fill the void a woman has when she cannot have children. I don't dwell on it, but it is always there. . .and once a year the wound is reopened and I hurt more than the other 364 days. So although I enjoy Mother's Day as a day I can reflect on what wonderful mothers I have in my life. . .it's also my least favorite day of the year.

 So to all of us who cannot or do not have children today I rename it "Celebrate Women Day" lol. I celebrate the awesome women I have in my life including my absolute awesome Grandma whom is one of my closest friends and has always been an example of serving others, and my mother who shared her love of others and of horses with me, and my mother-in-law who knows just how to make me feel loved and important. These 3 women all deserve to be celebrated.

 Until some day when perhaps I will be a "mother" I just want other un-mothers to know that there is always someone who understands how you feel. I may not be a mother, but I think I'm a pretty awesome wife, a sweet daughter, a great sister and the "cool aunt" and those are all reasons to celebrate.    

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1 comment:

Amy said...

I know how you feel. Although I do have a step daughter I don't feel like a mother. I didn't give birth to her, I didn't raise her. I don't have that motherly bond with her.

I may get to celebrate Mother's day (this will be the first year we do something) I don't feel like it is MY day.

All my life I have wanted to have a baby. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to be able to feel the baby move inside me and chart my baby as s/he grew inside me. I feel cheated. It was one of the reason I always said I would never adopt. Its selfish on some level but like you said, we are women and women were created to have babies. It only makes sense that we would long for them.

I have a friend who had an awesome pregnancy. No morning sickness, she only put on some weight, etc. And she complained THE WHOLE FREAKING TIME about it. Said it was horrible getting fat, she didn't ever want to do this again blah blah blah. I told her so many times that she should think of women like me who would never experience it and be thankful. She didn't change. But she is a good mom, just not a good pregnant woman.

Many hugs to you on mom's day. I am sure there is a horse out there who would tell you happy mother's day if she could speak ;)

Where to start to learn about my transplant!

Thank You for taking the time to read my blog. I am hoping that through this blog and my experiences that I can bring hope, faith and strength to all that may be living with Cystic Fibrosis, CF with Cepacia and Lung Transplant recipients. Information and blog entrees start Nov. 07. My Double Lung Transplant was on Dec. 10th 2007. Please feel free to read about my experience and ask me any questions! My email address is jamiebug77@gmail.com

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It's hard to put into words how I feel toward my Heavenly Father and the Savior. I have so many reasons to be thankful for what I have gone through & endured. Because of my trials in life I have gained a strong testimony of Faith. I have always had Faith in the Lord and in Prayer. As I faced the decision to get a double lung transplant I had to rely on faith to make the choice.....By listening to the spirit, I was guided to Pittsburgh where my life was saved. I believe prayers are answered. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of this: If I do what the Lord expects of me, he will give me what I want & need. That has always worked for me. I Believe in MIRACLES..........My life on this earth is a miracle- I prayed on my knees for years to be healed from my lung disease. I knew that through a priesthood blessing (if it was God's will) I could be healed. So many times I thought he would heal me instantly...my faith was tested as I continued to get sick and no cure was in my future. I turned to prayer....I talked to my Heavenly Father, I cried to him and he heard me and he healed me by guiding me to Pittsburgh and guiding the surgeons hands. I learned humility, and thankfulness. I realized that we need others to lean on and we are supposed to strengthen each others testimonies. I learned that the hardest things we'll do are usually the greatest blessings in our life. I was able to experience a lot of things during surgery and I know I had comforting angels in my ICU room. THe Lord knows each of us by name and he will never leave our side. We need to remember to stay close to him and have Faith that he is watching over us. I know this for a fact! I know that following the gospel will bring us true happiness- the world will tell us otherwise, but I know I am truely happy & living the gospel has brought me that. Amen