Pondering Life...

I often ponder why my life is the way it is...I am happy and I'm torn sometimes. I don't regret any decisions I have made. I do however sometimes ponder on the "what if's" and I find peace in knowing that I am supposed to be here, right now...doing whatever it is I have chosen to do. No one has ever told me what to do, who to be or what I can/can't accomplish. Okay well maybe a few doctors have tried convincing me of a few limitations, but again I believe that I have always had control over how I chose to live my life. 

I do think I need to work on being a better version of myself...there's always room for improvement. 

I wonder sometimes if I have made a difference in the world...

I ponder how much I would actually be missed if I wasn't here. Not in a depressing way, just in the sense that I question whether I have done enough....

I worry that I have abandoned passions, dreams and my own personal life goals.

I love that I have allowed life to take me to many new places, yet I felt like I lost my focus at some point.

I know what brings me true undeniable happiness...and despite that, I find myself sad and lonely more often than I used to. I blame it on my meds and the traumatic reality that I had to face going through my transplant....It's just impossible to describe.  

I often ask myself "Can I be more than what I am?"

I wish I had more resources to do more for others... 

I feel disappointed in myself sometimes...I think I've accomplished many of my life goals...but there's some I'll never complete. 

I wish my whimsical childhood version of myself could co-exist within me. 

I miss the amount of patience I use to have. 

I feel trapped in life sometimes...financially and also by my fear of failure...if that makes sense.

I feel like I have an obligation to do something great and meaningful with my life especially after my transplant... I can't explain why I feel this burden, and I wonder how many other people who experience being so close to dying and then are given so much life back feel the same way...

I had BIG dreams and nothing could stop me...only to discover the only thing that can stop me is myself. 

Despite all the thoughts and self doubt, I really do love my life...because I am loved by my husband and he is my reason to exist. I realized many, many years ago that my absolute happiness comes from sharing my life with him. So no matter how un-spectacular my life may be...it's still amazing because I know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally by someone who is a better person than I could have ever hoped for. 

Living with Donor Lungs is a life of uncertainty and although everyone's life is uncertain...I know that I will have to re-live the pain that I worked so hard to escape from, it's the hard truth and trade off. One disease for another, but a good trade. The fear can consume me if I allow it to. I feel like I was so fearless growing up...I didn't put boundaries on myself and I pray everyday that I never lose that. I know I survived the hardest challenge I ever had placed in front of me and If I can do that than I can do anything. 

I wake up everyday believing that I am alive because God has a purpose for me and although I admit my thoughts wander about whether I am enough...I know God must think I am because he continues to bless me. 

I write this post because as hard as it is to admit to myself and allow myself to express these thoughts...they are real feelings I have to accept and remind myself that it's okay to not always hide them just so I can "be tough for everyone else". I believe I am my worst critic but I can also be my own best advocate because I know ME better than anyone else ever will. I can't lie to myself, so I know the deepest most passionate and intimate details of what makes me who I am. I can only accept myself and then work on improving my weaknesses and build on my strengths, because we all have room for growth.