I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears, behold I will heal thee.
2Kings 20:5

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I don't feel like myself

Valentines Day is over. . . To those of us who are in love everyday with an incredible someone then Valentines Day or the spirit of it never really ends after Feb 14th. I love so many things about my life but lately despite being with the most incredible and understanding man in the universe, I feel 'off'.

I can't put my finger on it, but one thing I know is I am irritable. I am down on myself a lot more lately which is kinda uncharacteristic for me. I am easily discouraged and I cry for reasons that I have no idea. I don't feel beautiful even though I know I am pretty. All of these feelings are not like me. I feel like someone or something has taken over my mind and is planting these dark, pessimistic thoughts. It's effecting my personal life along with my intimate life. These stages in my life post transplant come and go. This is not a cry for help because I understand why I feel this way. . .it will pass, it has before. Sometimes just admitting that I am not happy right this second in life and it's going to be okay, seems to help me. Stuffing these Post Transplant roller coaster of emotions deep inside just makes them fester even worse. Between anxiety, stress, winter weather and flat out loneliness along with a big dose of being home sick I feel like life right now is hard and It will probably get harder before it gets easier.

Bryan is going to 50-60 hour work weeks. . which will mean more $$$ hence reducing some of my stresses, but having him gone all the time and being alone a lot increases my depression so it's kinda a win/lose. I just thought I would be honest about how I feel this very second and that is what you're getting. . .sorry.

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2 comments:

amangrav said...

Oh Jamie, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I think that everyone has times when they feel like this....I know I do! And it helps to get it off your chest. Just keep your head up and remember that Heavenly Father loves you, and so do about a million other people! Things will get better :)

Hanging out with the Riley's said...

Hello sweetheart! I love the honesty as always. Wish you could come here. Maybe I will get to come see you soon! miss you always....Mwah!

Where to start to learn about my transplant!

Thank You for taking the time to read my blog. I am hoping that through this blog and my experiences that I can bring hope, faith and strength to all that may be living with Cystic Fibrosis, CF with Cepacia and Lung Transplant recipients. Information and blog entrees start Nov. 07. My Double Lung Transplant was on Dec. 10th 2007. Please feel free to read about my experience and ask me any questions! My email address is jamiebug77@gmail.com

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My Testimony

It's hard to put into words how I feel toward my Heavenly Father and the Savior. I have so many reasons to be thankful for what I have gone through & endured. Because of my trials in life I have gained a strong testimony of Faith. I have always had Faith in the Lord and in Prayer. As I faced the decision to get a double lung transplant I had to rely on faith to make the choice.....By listening to the spirit, I was guided to Pittsburgh where my life was saved. I believe prayers are answered. I have always tried to follow the philosophy of this: If I do what the Lord expects of me, he will give me what I want & need. That has always worked for me. I Believe in MIRACLES..........My life on this earth is a miracle- I prayed on my knees for years to be healed from my lung disease. I knew that through a priesthood blessing (if it was God's will) I could be healed. So many times I thought he would heal me instantly...my faith was tested as I continued to get sick and no cure was in my future. I turned to prayer....I talked to my Heavenly Father, I cried to him and he heard me and he healed me by guiding me to Pittsburgh and guiding the surgeons hands. I learned humility, and thankfulness. I realized that we need others to lean on and we are supposed to strengthen each others testimonies. I learned that the hardest things we'll do are usually the greatest blessings in our life. I was able to experience a lot of things during surgery and I know I had comforting angels in my ICU room. THe Lord knows each of us by name and he will never leave our side. We need to remember to stay close to him and have Faith that he is watching over us. I know this for a fact! I know that following the gospel will bring us true happiness- the world will tell us otherwise, but I know I am truely happy & living the gospel has brought me that. Amen